Thursday, October 21, 2021
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My husband had an affair seven years ago. I don’t trust him – and can’t bring myself to have sex with him | Life and style


My husband had an affair about seven years in the past, simply after we bought again collectively from a two-year separation. We’ve got been married for almost 25 years. The affair broken me and our daughters, particularly our oldest daughter. It took her a very long time and remedy to belief him once more. His preliminary response was emotionally brutal and self-righteous. After a number of months, he turned ashamed of what he did and now finds it exhausting to debate. I nonetheless harbour emotions of distrust in direction of him. Our sexual relationship earlier than his affair was virtually nonexistent; for the reason that affair, all these years in the past, it has been completely nonexistent. We love one another very a lot and get alongside extraordinarily effectively. He wish to have an intimate sexual relationship with me, however I simply can’t deliver myself round to having intercourse with him. It doesn’t curiosity me. I’m at a loss as to what to do.

It takes time to rebuild your belief, however it’s seven years since he broke it and you might be nonetheless not sexually reconnected. Maybe it’s time to settle for that your marriage has many optimistic facets, however that it excludes intercourse. Maybe you by no means had sturdy need for him – if that’s the case, simply settle for that. Marriages can take many varieties. Since you might be nonetheless collectively after two years’ separation plus a traumatic betrayal, there’s clearly one thing that bonds you deeply. Neither of you has to adapt to anybody else’s concept of what a wedding ought to be; you would possibly discover it helpful – and honest – to precise this to your husband.

  • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual issues.

  • If you want recommendation from Pamela on sexual issues, ship us a quick description of your considerations to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t ship attachments). Every week, Pamela chooses one downside to reply, which will probably be printed on-line. She regrets that she can not enter into private correspondence. Submissions are topic to our phrases and situations: see gu.com/letters-terms.

  • Feedback on this piece are premoderated to make sure dialogue stays on matters raised by the author. Please bear in mind there could also be a brief delay in feedback showing on the positioning.



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